2014년 12월 5일 금요일

Final draft

My thesis : Shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea
In march 2011, one high school students who had trouble with his parents because of internet game  committed suicide when he had a high school entrance ceremony. This is just one of many examples. In Korea, it is a serious problem that every year the rate of adolescent's game addiction and the accidents caused by adolescents who are addicted to game are increased. According to Wee Center research, 57% korean teenagers do internet game while other countries like taiwan and singapore have 18.1% and 4% of students who do internet game. Thus the government thought they have to prevent game addiction of those adolescents by regulating them from doing computer game at night, and made a law called 'shutdown law'. However, this law makes a lot of arguments. Some people say it is good and others say it just worse the situation, and in my opinion shutdown law isn't a good way to prevent teeangers from game addicton for those reasons.
Then, now I'll explain what is the exact standard of game addction, what is the 'shutdown law' exactly and what are the impacts of this law that cause a lot of arguments. According to Kim Tae-hoon, a psychiatrist who treats teenagers, "Internet addiction" may not be recognized as a medical condition or psychiatric disorder, but it often serves as a symptom of more serious underlying mental disorders such as attention deficit disorder and depression. As he said, the game addiction is kind of a symptom. Thus it is too ambiguous to say what is game addiction or not, but in this case I'll say game addiction persons are the people who are talked by experts that they are addicted to game.
In korea, there are a lot of those teenagers who are addicted to game. According to Eo Gee-jun, president of the Korea Computer Life Institute, out of 10 adults and some 26 percent of teenagers are addicted gamers. Therefore to prevent those adolescents from serious game addiction, the government made a law called 'shutdown law' which is often called 'cinderella law'. The 'Shutdown (System) Law' currently refers to Article 26 (Article 23.3 before the amendment) of the Juvenile Protection Act which forbids internet game services providers from (knowingly) providing gaming services to juveniles younger than 16, from midnight to 06:00. This is why the law is sometimes called the 'Cinderella Law.' The law was first enacted in 2011, shortly before the complaint was filed. Starting from 2012, the punishments kicked in. Such a violation is a crime. The maximum punishment for (knowingly) providing online gaming to a juvenile (during 00:00 – 06:00) is imprisonment for 2 years or a fine of 10,000,000 won(.
After that law enforced, there are many effects and differences before the law made. Of course, children who are younger that 16 cannot do game from midnight to 06:00, and in some case it can protect them from game addiction. However, many effects appeared in other aspects. Many game developers and companies were worried that it could affect to game industry, badly. Also most of experts say that children try to find another way to do computer game. Thus now I'm going to explain why that 'shutdown law' is not a good way to prevent children from game addiction.
Shutdown law is not an efficient way to prevent children from game addiction, even though the purpose is to prevent them from game addiction. For instance, many kids log into an account owned by their parents or another adult (Maemi, 2012). Less "privileged" minors simply utilize the lockdown period to fire up offline games. Many experts said about this situation. According to the game developer JongDeuk Kim, who recorded no change in the number of concurrent users for both youth and adult age ranges - again, because youngsters just hop on their parent's account. Also, KiMin Yang, a researcher of Cultural Society Institute, acknowledged the futility of the existing law and believed new anti-addiction methods should be explored. She said "Restriction and care are totally different. We need to show the conservative groups that we are protecting the youth in different ways, not neglecting them" As they said like that, shutdown law has no efficient effect that can reduce the number of children who are addicted to game. That law is just a 'nominal law' that the government just trying to show people that they do something for the problem. The evidences that shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea and just nominal law are more exist.
Because of the Shutdown law, the game industry can affect. In fact, shutdown is equal to kill the Korea game industry, which is the most biggest game industry in the world. Many experts predict that shutdown law could increase the money that the game companies have to spend for shutdown law to make a program or something prevent children from accessing, even though it does not affect the exact user number of the game. No immediate effect on online game companies here is expected. When taking into consideration that those aged 18 or under account for 28.9 percent of online gamers those aged under 16 represent less than 20 percent. The number of those in the age group playing between midnight and 6 a.m. will be even less, said Jung Woo-chul, an analyst at Mirae Asset Securities. He said that the average revenue per user (ARPU) of online gamers was 25,160 won a month last year, while it stood at only 6,794 won for those aged under 14. 'Players of major games are in their 30s. The age of online gamers is rising fast,' he added. Online game giant NCsoft’s main games are Lineage and Lineage II. As it has been 13 years since the launch of Lineage and eight for Lineage II most players are over 16. However, he said that the move will increase management costs for game companies, they will have to shoulder the expense of the shutdown system. and they will have to increase servers to store personal information, check users aren’t stealing someone else’s identification and strengthen security.
Also, on top of criticism in the local market, businesses fear that the shutdown will hamper the export of games, as it may encourage the idea abroad that Korean games are harmful.
One of the economical analyst(KB Investment & Securities) Choi Hoon said , Instead of enforcing the regulation, it would have been better if the government had devised other ways to modify the current situation for teenagers who immerse themselves in online games rather than other leisure activities.
Thus as I explained before, we need to find other efficient way to prevent children from game addiction, not affecting game industry by enforcing a lot of money to game companies to make such programs and by making a bad image to game itself caused problem for exporting the game.
However, the supporters of shutdown law might say that the most important thing is not money, game industry, efficiency of it and etc, but the little result that shutdown law prevent some children from game addiction, and they are especially parents. “Game companies are concerned about the damage following the shutdown, but frankly, as a mom, I do think that it is necessary. I don’t understand why game companies are so strongly opposing the shutdown for midnight till 6 a.m, when children are supposed to be sleeping,” said a blogger, who introduced herself as a full time housewife with two children. Alliance for Love of Children, an NGO, also welcomed the approval of the bill. “We are sorry that it set the age limit at 16 instead of 19, and that it gave a two year grace period on mobile games,” the NGO said in an announcement. “Restricting children and teenagers to a limited connection to network games at night comes not out of a restriction on the game industry. It is the basic right of children to sleep. We have made an effort to change excessive internet game surroundings, but the passage of the revision bill was delayed due to lobbying by game companies. We are sorry that many children have been affected by game addiction” (Yoon Ja-young, 2014). 
 Nevertheless, we have to realize that the reason that children are addicted to game is not a game itself. The most common things from children who are addicted to game are that their parents don't have much time to take care of them. Educators and game industry advocates also contended that addictive behavior was more the symptom of cultural problems than the fault of games. Students don't have much free time in the country, and they frequently use games to cope with school-related stress. As previous studies have suggested, addiction is more likely to reflect existing mental health issues than spring from the games themselves. Outside of that, parental influence is a key factor. A broken home, or parents who just don't understand gaming, may lead to imbalanced children who don't know when to stop playing and start interacting with other people. Thus, there are no reason to affect game industry badly and there are more efficient way to prevent children from game addiction by making children's culture more healthy.
As you already know, the Korea has one of the most powerful internet game industry. This is good part of our nation that almost 73 percent of people are allowed to use internet and game. However, there are a lot of side effects of it. Because of internet game, a lot of children whose parents don't have enough time to take care of them are addicted to game and the rate of children's game addiction are growing every year. Thus it became not just personal problem, but who nation's problem, and the government try to do something for it so they made a law 'shutdown law' which regulate under 16 years old children to play game from midnight to 6:00 A.M, and that makes a lot of arguments. Many experts say that that law does not have a powerful result to children's game addiction, and it will impact the game industry because of the cost it makes to the game companies and the bad images to game that could cause the bad affects to export. However, some people say that it is better than doing nothing and children must sleep at night so there are no problem to shutdown law, but many experts say that the problem is not the game itself, but the culture. Therefore we have to find another efficient way to prevent those children from game addiction. Not just nominal law, but real effective law that considered carefully so everyone cannot effect badly. Then, I‘m sure that we can make a bright future of our nations.



References.
SANGWON YOON(06,22,2010). Internet Addiction Targeted In South Korea
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/22/internet-addiction-target_n_547747.html
Sa Youn Hwang (

Peer review for 예은

5 points
  • Technically perfect
  • Follows the classical argument
  • Displays an interesting and unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
  • Thought provoking and captivating
  • Clearly the product of extensive drafting and research

4 points
  • Technically perfect
  • Follows the classical argument
  • Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
  • Clearly the product of thorough drafting and research
3 points
  • Follows the classical argument
  • Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
  • Some evidence of drafting and research

2 points
  • Displays a unique perspective on a highly specialized topic
0 points
  • Incomplete or inadequate
Grade

According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
I want to give 5 points for this essay. Because first the topic and perspective are very unique - Everyone including me may be think that physical training is very important and never think about the sport psychology.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
문단 문단 마다 너무 나누어 놔서 구조적으로 안정되보이지 못하는 것 같다. 문단 정리가 조금 필요할 것 같다.

Thesis
What is the thesis?
Sport psychology is much more important than physical training

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes and yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?Although physical training is important, sport psychology is more important.

Any other thoughts?
I think athlets can improve his confiendce and can be more stable and calm when he practice a lot. However after I read this essay, I agree to her opinion

Classical Argument

Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
I can see all 5 parts of the classical argument. Especially I like her refutation part because she wrote it very clearly and properly.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis?
The essay start with the ordinary people's thought of  sports and then, it comfartably lead to the explanation of sport phycology and thesis.

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Yes. It explained well what is the purpose of sports psychology and why the athlets need it. One thing that I want to recommend is to structure it well like divide the part of its purpose to recognize and understand well.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
Yes. But I want to recommend that sports phycology is more important than physical trainning to athelets whose ability is very great because other athelets whose ability is very low can imporve his ability by practicing rather than sports physicology so to them physical training can make them better result than sports physicology.

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
I think the counterpoint is reasonable - she used experts opionion properly and respond in a reasnable manner.

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis?
Yes. the conclusion summarize the whole reason why she state like and at the last part she explained well the today athlets' situation well to imphasize the thesis.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
I think at the refutaion part, it is better to add what part can be support the opinion more exactly and concretely.

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I disagreed with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I agree with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
Nowadays all the athlets work hard and build their body. However the real competition is diffirent from the practice. Thus the athlets need to practice imaginary through the sports psychology.

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
Do not generalize some part like 'all athletes work hard and build their body' but this can be not true because some athletes cannot be like that.

Research
Is the author using research effectively?
Yes

Is the research from appropriate sources?
Yes

Are the sources obvious?
Yes, the sources are obvious.


Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes. The evideces approporiatly support such as the importance of sports phycology and why the athletes need it.Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
I think at the refutation part, more evideces from diffirent experts and diverse statistics can be improve the persuasion.

2014년 11월 16일 일요일

Second draft

My thesis : Shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea
Have you ever heard about the accident caused by adolescent's game addiction in Korea? Last 3.2011, one high school students who had trouble with his parents because of internet game committed suicide when he had a high school entrance ceremony. This is just one of many examples. In Korea, it is serious problem that every year the rate of adolescent's game addiction and the accidents caused by adolescents who are addicted to game. According to Wee Center research, 57% korean teenagers do internet game while other countries like taiwan and singapore have 18.1% and 4% of students who do internet game. Thus the government thought they have to prevent game addiction of those adolescents by regulating them from doing computer game at night, and made a law called 'shutdown law'. However, this law makes a lot of arguments. Some people say it is good and others say it just worse the situation, and I think it is not good way to prevent teenagers from game addiction for those reasons.
As I talked before, I don't think shutdown law is a good way to prevent teenagers from game addiction, and some people might think what is the exact standard of game addiction, what is the 'shutdown law' exactly and what are the impacts of this law that cause a lot of arguments? Now I'll explain them in turn. According to Kim Tae-hoon, a psychiatrist who treats teenagers, "Internet addiction" may not be recognized as a medical condition or psychiatric disorder, but it often serves as a symptom of more serious underlying mental disorders such as attention deficit disorder and depression. As he said, the game addiction is kind of a symptom. Thus it is too ambiguous to say what is game addiction or not, but in this case I'll say game addiction persons are the people who are talked by experts that they are addicted to game.
In korea, there are a lot of those teenagers who are addicted to game. According to Eo Gee-jun, president of the Korea Computer Life Institute, out of 10 adults and some 26 percent of teenagers are addicted gamers. Therefore to prevent those adolescents from serious game addiction, the government made a law called 'shutdown law' which is often called 'cinderella law'. The 'Shutdown (System) Law' currently refers to Article 26 (Article 23.3 before the amendment) of the Juvenile Protection Act which forbids internet game services providers from (knowingly) providing gaming services to juveniles younger than 16, from midnight to 06:00. This is why the law is sometimes called the 'Cinderella Law.' The law was first enacted in 2011, shortly before the complaint was filed. Starting from 2012, the punishments kicked in. Such a violation is a crime. The maximum punishment for (knowingly) providing online gaming to a juvenile (during 00:00 – 06:00) is imprisonment for 2 years or a fine of 10,000,000 won.
Then, what are the impacts of this law? what are the differences before and after the law made? Of course, children who are younger that 16 cannot do game from midnight to 06:00, and in some case it can protect them from game addiction. However, many effects appeared in other aspects. Many game developers and companies were worried that it could affect to game industry, badly. Also most of experts say that children try to find other way to do computer game. Thus now I'm going to explain why that 'shutdown law' is not a good way to prevent children from game addiction.
Shutdown law is not an efficient way to prevent children from game addiction, even though the purpose is to prevent them from game addiction. For instance, many kids log in to an account owned by their parents or another adult, according Maemi, a young panelist. Less "privileged" minors simply utilize the lockdown period to fire up offline games. Many experts said about this situation. According to the game developer JongDeuk Kim, who recorded no change in the number of concurrent users for both youth and adult age ranges - again, because youngsters just hop on their parent's account. Also, KiMin Yang, a researcher of Cultural Society Institute, acknowledged the futility of the existing law and believes new anti-addiction methods should be explored. She said "Restriction and care are totally different. We need to show the conservative groups that we are protecting the youth in different ways, not neglecting them" As they said like that, shutdown law has no efficient effect that can reduce the number of children who are addicted to game. That law is just a 'nominal law' that the government just trying to show people that they do something for the problem. The evidences that shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea and just nomina law are more exist.
Because of the Shutdown la0.w, the game industry can affect. In fact, shutdown is equal to kill the Korea game industry, which is the most biggest game industry in the world. Many experts predict that shutdown law could increase the money that the game companies have to spend for shutdown law to make a program or something prevent children from accessing, even though it does not affect the exact user number of the game. "No immediate effect on online game companies here is expected. When taking into consideration that those aged 18 or under account for 28.9 percent of online gamers those aged under 16 represent less than 20 percent. The number of those in the age group playing between midnight and 6 a.m. will be even less,' said Jung Woo-chul, an analyst at Mirae Asset Securities. He said that the average revenue per user (ARPU) of online gamers was 25,160 won a month last year, while it stood at only 6,794 won for those aged under 14. “Players of major games are in their 30s. The age of online gamers is rising fast,” he added. Online game giant NCsoft’s main games are Lineage and Lineage II. As it has been 13 years since the launch of Lineage and eight for Lineage II most players are over 16. However, he said that the move will increase management costs for game companies, they will have to shoulder the expense of the shutdown system. and they will have to increase servers to store personal information, check users aren’t stealing someone else’s identification and strengthen security.
Also, on top of criticism in the local market, businesses fear that the shutdown will hamper the export of games, as it may encourage the idea abroad that Korean games are harmful.
One of the economical analyst(KB Investment & Securities) Choi Hoon said , “Instead of enforcing the regulation, it would have been better if the government had devised other ways to modify the current situation for teenagers who immerse themselves in online games rather than other leisure activities,”
Thus as I explained before, we need to find other efficient way to prevent children from game addiction, not affecting game industry by enforcing a lot of money to game companies to make such programs and by making a bad image to game itself caused problem for exporting the game.
However, the supporters of shutdown law might say that the most important thing is not money, game industry, efficiency of it and etc, but the little result that shutdown law prevent some children from game addiction, and they are expecially parents. “Game companies are concerned about the damage following the shutdown, but frankly, as a mom, I do think that it is necessary. I don’t understand why game companies are so strongly opposing the shutdown for midnight till 6 a.m, when children are supposed to be sleeping,” said a blogger, who introduced herself as a full time housewife with two children. Alliance for Love of Children, an NGO, also welcomed the approval of the bill. “We are sorry that it set the age limit at 16 instead of 19, and that it gave a two year grace period on mobile games,” the NGO said in an announcement. “Restricting children and teenagers to a limited connection to network games at night comes not out of a restriction on the game industry. It is the basic right of children to sleep. We have made an effort to change excessive internet game surroundings, but the passage of the revision bill was delayed due to lobbying by game companies. We are sorry that many children have been affected by game addiction.”
Nevertheless, we have to realize that the reason that children are addicted to game is not a game itself. The most common things from children who are addicted to game are that their parents don't have much time to take care of them. Educators and game industry advocates also contended that addictive behavior was more the symptom of cultural problems than the fault of games. Students don't have much free time in the country, and they frequently use games to cope with school-related stress. As previous studies have suggested, addiction is more likely to reflect existing mental health issues than spring from the games themselves. Outside of that, parental influence is a key factor. A broken home, or parents who just don't understand gaming, may lead to imbalanced children who don't know when to stop playing and start interacting with other people. Thus, there are no reason to affect game industry badly and there are more efficient way to prevent children from game addiction by making children's culture more healthy.
As you already know, the Korea has one of the most powerful internet game industry. This is good part of our nation that almost 73 percent of people are allowed to use internet and game. However, there are a lot of side effects of it. Because of internet game, a lot of children whose parents don't have enough time to take care of them are addicted to game and the rate of children's game addiction are growing every year. Thus it became not just personal problem, but who nation's problem, and the government try to do something for it so they made a law 'shutdown law' which regulate under 16 years old children to play game from midnight to 6:00 A.M, and that makes a lot of arguments. Many experts say that that law does not have a powerful result to children's game addiction, and it will impact the game industry because of the cost it makes to the game companies and the bad images to game that could cause the bad affects to export. However, some people say that it is better than doing nothing and children must sleep at night so there are no problem to shutdown law, but many experts say that the problem is not the game itself, but the culture. Therefore we have to find another efficient way to prevent those children from game addiction. Not just nominal law, but real effective law that considered carefully so everyone cannot effect badly. Then, I‘m sure that we can make a bright future of our nations.

2014년 10월 27일 월요일

Self evaluation



1) What score do you think you deserve?

 I think I maybe got 2 points in my first draft. Because I really try hard to understand what is persuade essay and what is classical argument, so I read a lot of other friends' examples and teacher’s explanation and try to write my essay similar to teacher's template. Also I think my narration part is good because I try to explain all the exact information that need to understand my topic. But I think some parts like conclusion part have to be adjusted because I don't exactly understand how I wrote that part. Anyway, I think I got 2 points in my first draft.

2) What did you do well?

 I think my narration part and refutation part are done well. Because in the narration part, I try to explain and define all the difficult and ambiguous terms like shutdown law and game addiction. Also I try to expect the impact after the law practiced. And in the refutation part, I mentioned about the expert's opinions and I think I appropriately write the refutation about it. Not only this I think my introduction is very fresh because I started it by mentioning about the example about game addiction.

3) What could you have done better?

 I think I have to adjust some grammar errors and spelling errors. I think I write it very logically but there are some grammar errors and there are no meaningful sentences. Also at the narration, I think I have to add some supporters’ opinions about shutdown law.

 4) What part of the classical argument did you use the best?

I think the part that I mentioned about the game industries’ impacts because of the shutdown law is the best. Because I think I use the exports opinion very well and I explain logically about how it impacted and use some examples like Lineage. Also I suggested other ways to prevent children from game addiction in that part according to the experts’ opinions who said that shutdown law will impact game industries very badly.

 5) Which part of the classical argument did you use the most poorly?

I think there isn’t the worst part that I did but I want to add more evidences about the shutdown law’s efficiency. I think I have to use more reasons why they can’t efficiently protect children from game addiction. Also I have to adjust some no meaningful sentences which just repeated the same thing.

6) What’s your strategy to make your second draft better?

There are three strategies to make my second draft better. First, correct the grammar errors, spelling errors and delete some no meaningful sentences. Second add more evidences like experts opinions. Lastly I think that my conclusion part have to be more clearly. Thus I will rewrite my conclusion. And I believe those things can make my second draft better.
 
 

2014년 10월 26일 일요일

First draft

 My thesis : Shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea
 
 Have you ever heard about the accident caused by adolescent's game addiction in Korea? Last 3.2011, one high school students who had trouble with his parents because of internet game committed suicide when he had a high school entrance ceremony. This is just one of many examples. In Korea, it is very serious problem that every year the rate of adolescent's game addiction and the accidents caused by adolescents who are addicted to game. According to Wee Center research, 57% korean teenagers do internet game while other countries like taiwan and singapore have 18.1% and 4% of students who do internet game. Thus the government thought they have to prevent game addiction of those adolescents by regulating them from doing computer game at night, and made a law called 'shutdown law'. However, this law makes a lot of arguments. Some people say it is good and others say it just worse the situation, and I think it is not good way to prevent teenagers from game addiction for those reasons.
 
As I talked before, I don't think shutdown law is a good way to prevent teenagers from game addiction, and some people might think, what is the exact standard of game addiction, what is the 'shutdown law' exactly and what are the impacts of this law that cause a lot of arguments? Now I'll explain them in turn. According to Kim Tae-hoon, a psychiatrist who treats teenagers, "Internet addiction" may not be recognized as a medical condition or psychiatric disorder, but it often serves as a symptom of more serious underlying mental disorders such as attention deficit disorder and depression. As he said, the game addiction is kind of a symptom. Thus it is too ambiguous to say what is game addiction or not, but in this case I'll say game addiction persons are the people who are talked by experts that they are addicted to game.
   In korea, there are a lot of those teenagers who are addicted to game. According to Eo Gee-jun, president of the Korea Computer Life Institute, out of 10 adults and some 26 percent of teenagers are addicted gamers. Therefore to prevent those adolscents from serious game addiction, the govenment made a law called 'shutdwon law' which is often called 'cinderella law'. The 'Shutdown (System) Law' currently refers to Article 26 (Article 23.3 before the amendment) of the Juvenile Protection Act which forbids internet game services providers from (knowingly) providing gaming services to juveniles younger than 16, from midnight to 06:00. This is why the law is sometimes called the 'Cinderella Law.' The law was first enacted in 2011, shortly before the complaint was filed. Starting from 2012, the punishments kicked in. Such a violation is a crime. The maximum punishment for (knowingly) providing online gaming to a juvenile (during 00:00 06:00) is imprisonment for 2 years or a fine of 10,000,000 won.
 
Then, what are the impacts of this law? what are the diffirences before and after the law made? Of course, children who are younger that 16 cannot do game from midgniht to 06:00, and in some case it can protect them from game addiction. However, many effects appeared in other aspects. Many game developers and conpanies were worried that it could affect to game industry, badly. Also most of experts say that children try to find other way to do computer game. Thus now I'm going to explain why that 'shutdown law' is not a good way to prevent children from game addiction.
Shutdown law is not an efficient way to prevent children from game addiction, even though the purpose is to prevent them from game addiction. For instance, many kids log in to an account owned by their parents or another adult, according Maemi, a young panelist. Less "privileged" minors simply utilize the lockdown period to fire up offline games. Many experts said about this situation. According to the game developer JongDeuk Kim, who recorded no change in the number of concurrent users for both youth and adult age ranges -- again, because youngsters just hop on their parent's account. KiMin Yang, a researcher of Cultural Society Institute, acknowledged the futility of the existing law and believes new anti-addiction methods should be explored. She said "Restriction and care are totally different. We need to show the conservative groups that we are protecting the youth in different ways, not neglecting them" As they said like that, shutdown law has no efficient effect that can reduce the number of children who are addictied to game. That law is just a 'nominal law' that the government just trying to show people that they do something for the problem. The evidences that shutdwon law is unnecessary in Korea and jsut nomina law are more exist.
Becuase of the Shutdown law, the game industry can affect. In fact, shutdown is equal to kill the Korea game industry, which is the most biggest game industry in the world. Many experts predict that shutdown law could increase the money that the game companies have to spend for shutdown law to make a program or something prevent children from acessing, even though it does not affect the exact user number of the game. "No immediate effect on online game companies here is expected. When taking into consideration that those aged 18 or under account for 28.9 percent of online gamers those aged under 16 represent less than 20 percent. The number of those in the age group playing between midnight and 6 a.m. will be even less,' said Jung Woo-chul, an analyst at Mirae Asset Securities. He said that the average revenue per user (ARPU) of online gamers was 25,160 won a month last year, while it stood at only 6,794 won for those aged under 14. “Players of major games are in their 30s. The age of online gamers is rising fast,” he added. Online game giant NCsoft’s main games are Lineage and Lineage II. As it has been 13 years since the launch of Lineage and eight for Lineage II most players are over 16. However, he said that the move will increase management costs for game companies, they will have to shoulder the expense of the shutdown system. and they will have to increase servers to store personal information, check users aren’t stealing someone else’s identification and strengthen security.
Also, on top of criticism in the local market, businesses fear that the shutdown will hamper the export of games, as it may encourage the idea abroad that Korean games are harmful.
One of the economical analyst(KB Investment & Securities) Choi Hoon said , “Instead of enforcing the regulation, it would have been better if the government had devised other ways to modify the current situation for teenagers who immerse themselves in online games rather than other leisure activities,”
 Thus as I explained before, we need to find other effcient way to prevent children from game addiction, not affecting game industry by enforcing a lot of money to game companies to make such programs and by making a bad image to game itself caused problem for exporting the game.
 
However, the supporters of shutdown law might say that the most important thing is not money, game industry, efficiency of it and etc, but the little result that shutdown law prevent some children from game addiction, and they are expecially parents. “Game companies are concerned about the damage following the shutdown, but frankly, as a mom, I do think that it is necessary. I don’t understand why game companies are so strongly opposing the shutdown for midnight till 6 a.m., when children are supposed to be sleeping,” said a blogger, who introduced herself as a fulltime housewife with two children. Alliance for Love of Children, an NGO, also welcomed the approval of the bill. “We are sorry that it set the age limit at 16 instead of 19, and that it gave a two year grace period on mobile games,” the NGO said in an announcement. “Restricting children and teenagers to a limited connection to network games at night comes not out of a restriction on the game industry. It is the basic right of children to sleep. We have made an effort to change excessive internet game surroundings, but the passage of the revision bill was delayed due to lobbying by game companies. We are sorry that many children have been affected by game addiction.”
Nevertheless, we have to realize that the reason that children are addicted to game is not a game itself. The most common things from children who are addicted to game are that their parents don't have much time to take care of them. Educators and game industry advocates also contended that addictive behavior was more the symptom of cultural problems than the fault of games. Students don't have much free time in the country, and they frequently use games to cope with school-related stress. As previous studies have suggested, addiction is more likely to reflect existing mental health issues than spring from the games themselves. Outside of that, parental influence is a key factor. A broken home, or parents who just don't understand gaming, may lead to imbalanced children who don't know when to stop playing and start interacting with other people. Thus, there are no reason to affect game industry badly and there are more efficient way to prevent chilren from game addiction by making children's culture more healthy.
 
 As you already know, the Korea has one of the most powerful internet game industry. This is good part of our nation that almost 73 percent of people are allowed to use internet and game. However, there are a lot of side effects of it. Because of internet game, a lot of children whose parents don't have enough time to take care of them are addicted to game and the rate of children's game addction are growing every year. Thus it became not just personal problem, but who nation's problem, and the government try to do somethig for it so they made a law 'shutdown law' which regulate under 16 years old children to play game from midnight to 6:00 A.M, and that makes a lot of arguments. Many experts say that that law does not have a powerful result to children's game addiction, and it will impact the game industry becuase of the cost it makes to the game companies and the bad images to game that could cause the bad affects to export. However, some people say that it is better than doing nothing and children must sleep at night so there are no problem to shutdown law, but many experts say that the problem is not the game itself, but the culture. Therefore we have to find other efficient way to prevent those children from game addiction. Not just nominal law, but real effective law that considered carefully so everyone cannot effect badly. Then, I‘m sure that we can make a bright future of our nations.

Conclusion

My conclusion

 As you already know, the Korea has one of the most powerful internet game industry. This is good part of our nation that almost 73 percent of people are allowed to use internet and game. However, there are a lot of side effects of it. Because of internet game, a lot of children whose parents don't have enough time to take care of them are addicted to game and the rate of children's game addction are growing every year. Thus it became not just  personal problem, but who nation's problem, and the government try to do somethig for it so they made a law 'shutdown law' which regulate under 16 years old children to play game from midnight to 6:00 A.M, and that makes a lot of arguments. Many experts say that that law does not have a powerful result to children's game addiction, and it will impact the game industry becuase of the cost it makes to the game companies and the bad images to game that could cause the bad affects to export. However, some people say that it is better than doing nothing and children must sleep at night so there are no problem to shutdown law, but many experts say that the problem is not the game itself, but the culture. Therefore we have to find other efficient way to prevent those chilren from game addiction. Not just nominal law, but real effective law that considered carefully so everyone cannot effcet badly. Then, I assure that we can make a bright future of our nations.

Refutation

1. What is my thesis?
The shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea.

2. What is the opposite position?
However, it is better than doing nothing to prevent children from game addiction. Also it is reasonable that children sleep at midnight so that regislation has no problem.

3. What arguments can I anticipate?
Some parents might say that the money is less important then protecting children from game addition.


However, the supporters of shutdown law might say that the most important thing is not money, game industry, efficiency of it and etc, but the little result that shutdown law prevent some children from game addiction, and they are expecially parents. “Game companies are concerned about the damage following the shutdown, but frankly, as a mom, I do think that it is necessary. I don’t understand why game companies are so strongly opposing the shutdown for midnight till 6 a.m., when children are supposed to be sleeping,” said a blogger, who introduced herself as a fulltime housewife with two children. Alliance for Love of Children, an NGO, also welcomed the approval of the bill. “We are sorry that it set the age limit at 16 instead of 19, and that it gave a two year grace period on mobile games,” the NGO said in an announcement. “Restricting children and teenagers to a limited connection to network games at night comes not out of a restriction on the game industry. It is the basic right of children to sleep. We have made an effort to change excessive internet game surroundings, but the passage of the revision bill was delayed due to lobbying by game companies. We are sorry that many children have been affected by game addiction.”
 Nevertheless, we have to realize that the reason that children are addicted to game is not a game itself.  The most common things from children who are addicted to game are that their parents don't have much time to take care of them. Educators and game industry advocates also contended that addictive behavior was more the symptom of cultural problems than the fault of games. Students don't have much free time in the country, and they frequently use games to cope with school-related stress. As previous studies have suggested, addiction is more likely to reflect existing mental health issues than spring from the games themselves. Outside of that, parental influence is a key factor. A broken home, or parents who just don't understand gaming, may lead to imbalanced children who don't know when to stop playing and start interacting with other people. Thus, there are no reason to affect game industry badly and there are more efficient way to prevent chilren from game addiction by making children's culture more healthy.

2014년 10월 24일 금요일

Confirmation

1. What is my thesis?
Shutdown law is unecessary in Korea.

 2. What types of source am I using to defend my thesis? 

I am using experts opinions and some rates

3. Are my arguments mostly based on evidence, logic or emotion?
My arguments are mostly based on logic evidence like experts opinions and rates.


My Confirmation.

 Shutdown law is not an efficient way to prevent children from game addiction, even though the purpose is to prevent them from game addiction. For instance, many kids log in to an account owned by their parents or another adult, according Maemi, a young panelist. Less "privileged" minors simply utilize the lockdown period to fire up offline games. Many experts said about this situation. According to the game developer JongDeuk Kim, who recorded no change in the number of concurrent users for both youth and adult age ranges -- again, because youngsters just hop on their parent's account. KiMin Yang, a researcher of Cultural Society Institute, acknowledged the futility of the existing law and believes new anti-addiction methods should be explored. She said "Restriction and care are totally different. We need to show the conservative groups that we are protecting the youth in different ways, not neglecting them" As they said like that, shutdown law has no efficient effect that can reduce the number of children who are addictied to game. That law is just a 'nominal law' that the government just trying to show people that they do something for the problem. The evidences that shutdwon law is unnecessary in Korea and jsut nomina law are more exist.  
 
 Becuase of the Shutdown law, the game industry can affect. In fact, shutdown is equal to kill the Korea game industry, which is the most biggest game industry in the world. Many experts predict that shutdown law could increase the money that the game companies have to spend for shutdown law to make a program or something prevent children from acessing, even though it does not affect the exact user number of the game. "No immediate effect on online game companies here is expected. When taking into consideration that those aged 18 or under account for 28.9 percent of online gamers those aged under 16 represent less than 20 percent. The number of those in the age group playing between midnight and 6 a.m. will be even less,' said Jung Woo-chul, an analyst at Mirae Asset Securities.  He said that the average revenue per user (ARPU) of online gamers was 25,160 won a month last year, while it stood at only 6,794 won for those aged under 14. “Players of major games are in their 30s. The age of online gamers is rising fast,” he added. Online game giant NCsoft’s main games are Lineage and Lineage II. As it has been 13 years since the launch of Lineage and eight for Lineage II most players are over 16. However, he said that the move will increase management costs for game companies, they will have to shoulder the expense of the shutdown system. and they will have to increase servers to store personal information, check users aren’t stealing someone else’s identification and strengthen security. 
 Also, on top of criticism in the local market, businesses fear that the shutdown will hamper the export of games, as it may encourage the idea abroad that Korean games are harmful.
One of the economical analyst(KB Investment & Securities) Choi Hoon said , “Instead of enforcing the regulation, it would have been better if the government had devised other ways to modify the current situation for teenagers who immerse themselves in online games rather than other leisure activities,”

 Thus as I explained before, we need to find other effcient way to prevent children from game addiction, not affecting game industry by enforcing a lot of money to game companies to make such programs and by making a bad image to game itself caused problem for exporting the game.

Narration

My persuasive argument thesis is : Shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea

1. What do people already know about the topic?

They already know that game addiction is dangerous, expecially to teenagers, and the rate of the teeanger's game addiction in Korea is very high. Also a lot of people already heard about the 'shutdown law' because they are often in news, television and Internet, and the accidents caused by game addiction. However, they don't know the exact purpose and exact meaning of shutdown law and the real seriousness of Korean teenager's game addiction, also effects of it. Moreover, I will explain what is the game addiction exactly by using expert's opinion.

2. What research has already been done about my topic?

http://klawguru.com/2014/04/25/koreas-shutdown-law-found-constitutional/
 - explaing the exact meaning of shutdown law and the seriousness of game addiction in Korea.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/22/internet-addiction-target_n_547747.html
- The standard of game addiction, the seriousness of game addiction in Korea by explaining some examples of game addiction and the purpose of shutdown law.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/jul/13/internet-addiction-south-korea
- The seriousness of game addiction, not just teenagers, but also all Koreans who are addicted to game (just for reference)



3. What are the implications of my argument (What if I'm right? What if I'm right and people ignore me?)

Shutdown law is not an efficient way to prevent teenagers from game addiction and there are many side effects because of that law. It is just a nominal law to show people that we are trying to do something for the problem of teenager's game addiction. If people ignore me,  they will realize someday that the governmnets did that law because just show people they do something and there are many possibilities that they just belive other laws are good that the government just did that for showing to people.


My Narration.

As I talked before, I don't think shutdown law is a good way to prevent teenagers from game addiction, and some people might think, what is the exact standard of game addiction, what is the 'shutdown law' exactly and what are the impacts of this law that cause a lot of arguments? Now I'll explain them in turn. According to Kim Tae-hoon, a psychiatrist who treats teenagers, "Internet addiction" may not be recognized as a medical condition or psychiatric disorder, but it often serves as a symptom of more serious underlying mental disorders such as attention deficit disorder and depression. As he said, the game addiction is kind of a symptom. Thus it is too ambiguous to say what is game addiction or not, but in this case I'll say game addiction persons are the people who are talked by experts that they are addicted to game.

 In korea, there are a lot of those teenagers who are addicted to game. According to Eo Gee-jun, president of the Korea Computer Life Institute, out of 10 adults and some 26 percent of teenagers are addicted gamers. Therefore to prevent those adolscents from serious game addiction, the govenment made a law called 'shutdwon law' which is often called 'cinderella law'. The 'Shutdown (System) Law' currently refers to Article 26 (Article 23.3 before the amendment) of the Juvenile Protection Act  which forbids internet game services providers from (knowingly) providing gaming services to juveniles younger than 16, from midnight to 06:00. This is why the law is sometimes called the 'Cinderella Law.'  The law was first enacted in 2011, shortly before the complaint was filed. Starting from 2012, the punishments kicked in. Such a violation is a crime. The maximum punishment for (knowingly) providing online gaming to a juvenile (during 00:00 – 06:00) is imprisonment for 2 years or a fine of 10,000,000 won. 

 Then, what are the impacts of this law? what are the diffirences before and after the law made? Of course, children who are younger that 16 cannot do game from midgniht to 06:00, and in some case it can protect them from game addiction. However, many effects appeared in other aspects. Many game developers and conpanies were worried that it could affect to game industry, badly. Also most of experts say that children try to find other way to do computer game. Thus now I'm going to explain why that 'shutdown law' is not a good way to prevent children from game addiction.



2014년 10월 6일 월요일

The Introduction


  Have you ever heard about the accident caused by adolescent's game addiction in Korea? Last 3.2011, one high school students who had trouble with his parents because of internet game committed suicide when he had a high school entrance ceremony. This is just one of many examples. In Korea, it is very serious problem that every year the rate of adolescent's game addiction and the accidents caused by adolescents who are addicted to game. According to Wee Center research, 57% korean teenagers do internet game while other countries like taiwan and singapore have 18.1% and 4% of students who do internet game. Thus the government thought they have to prevent game addiction of those adolescents by regulating them from doing computer game at night, and made a law called 'shutdown law'. However, this law makes a lot of arguments. Some people say it is good and others say it just worse the situation, and I think it is not good way to prevent teenagers from game addiction for those reasons.
 

2014년 9월 21일 일요일

Classical argument outline

1. The introduction

I will start by introducing accident caused by students and children's internet game addiction, like ;
Last 3.2011 one high school students who had trouble with his parents because of internet game commited suicide when he had a high school entrance ceremony.
Also, I will mention the propotion of teenagers internet game addiction and emphasize the seriousness of korean students game addiction
- According to Wee Center research, 57% korean teenagers do internet game while other countries like taiwan and singapore have 18.1% and 4% of students who do internet game.
 So the governmnet think they have to regulate teenagers doing computer game, expecially at midnight to prevent them from game addiction. Therefore they made a law called 'shutdown law'
Lastly, I want to end it by 'However, that law has many bad side effects. Thus, I think Shutdown law should be abolished.


2. The narration
First, I will explain the standard of game addiction(because someone can say I'm not an addiction even though he is really addicted at it, and it can assure how many game addiction people in Korea.), what is the 'Shutdwon law' and what is the exact purpose of it. Also I will summarize my research about what are the abd things and good things

3. The confirmation

I will display three claims that will support my thesis

1. Not efficient way to protect them from internet game addiction
(source  : http://www.techspot.com/news/46867-korea-bans-kids-from-late-night-gaming-they-dont-listen.html)




Research 4

Source : http://www.techspot.com/news/46867-korea-bans-kids-from-late-night-gaming-they-dont-listen.html

My topic : Shutdown law is unnecessary in Korea

What I hope to learn from this source
I wanted to know about the efficiency of shutdown law, after it came into force.

Notes

1. The legislation is meant to address the increasing rate of online gaming addiction and although it originally targeted MMORPGs, all online genres and platforms are currently affected -- at least on paper, anyway

2. Many kids log in to an account owned by their parents or another adult, according Maemi, a young panelist.

3. Many experts said it is not effective because they log in to other ways, thus they have to find and show other effective way to protect children from game addiction.

Final thought : After the law enforced, there were no effective results of protecting children from addiction. But the government try to do more regulation. I think we have to stop the government's attemps of more regulations because they are not effective way.